This isn’t a sex story. It’s a sex maniac story, one of unprecedented self destruction, carried off by the world’s greatest athlete. There are places this story went yesterday that suggest to me the very real possibility that not only is this story going to consume our culture for many, many more months but that its ultimate fallout may well end Tiger’s career. Bright people in golf really are wondering this now.

Imagine.

A week ago I was prepared to claim this wildly sordid story worthy of a ranking with the ten greatest sports scandals of all time. This morning, I maintain that it’s now no. 1, and distanced by a Tiger 2-iron from its nearest rival. And the story has also occasioned my thinking about hockey’s greatest scandals, and where they might rank in some pecking order of infamy.

When Michael Vick morphed into a puppies-are-better-off-dead fit of sociopathetic deviancy, I treated that as a degeneracy at the outer extreme of thuggery — Vick being Vick — and while he was a star NFL player, I don’t know that any hardcore pigskin follower thought of him as a best-in-the-league QB. Pete Rose put the hustle in Charlie Hustle all right, but his egregious act was committed in his post-playing career, and as we dissected his indiscretion we sort of shrugged a bit in acknowledging that Rose, unlike Woods, was a character who long kept bad associations. This didn’t altogether remove the sting or shock of what he did, but we weren’t flabbergasted by the notion — Pete Rose would never be mistaken for say Cal Ripken on the likability meter.

Mike Tyson? Abandoned in childhood, reared in in-ring violence as salvation, enriched, then surrounded predictably by parasites. A thug is born. No shock at his fate.

The closest comparison in sports with Woods’ predicament in terms of clean character getting thoroughly assassinated, I think, might be with Alex Rodriguez’s admission, just earlier this year, of steroids use. Baseball’s optimists I think had pinned well-founded hopes on ARod representing a distinct and separate class of the sport’s competitors who’d carry out their stellar careers unsullied by the pervasive and pernicious substance scandal. Alas, no. Still, the shock with ARod lasted about 48 hours before I think most just shrugged in resignation and said, “That’s [modern] baseball.”

What makes Tiger’s trials late this year positively Shakespearean isn’t his sex drive per se — although in that regard he appears to make a certain ex-President comparatively Puritan — but the cavalier quality with which he indulged them. Gracious, when did he find time to get to the range and hit balls?

And what really catapults Tiger’s transgressions in a relative sense are their mere timing: pulsating pixels are chronicling this fantastic feat of the prurient, in a frenzy. We’re in F5 overdrive with this one in a way that no scandal that preceded it could have been.

There are more than a few not-so-sidebar aspects to Tiger’s tale worth monitoring in the weeks and months ahead, and reflecting upon now. For one, perhaps for the last time we’ll endure outsized mainstream media snobbishness directed at tabloid press on credibility grounds. Seriously, the sordid accounts are flying fast and furious, and Tiger’s legal team sure doesn’t seem to have much objection with much of what’s been aired. I mean, given the Wall Street-sized stakes of Tiger’s endorsement arrangements, you’d think he’d have lawyered up hard to protect himself against baseless charges.

It’s worth reflecting upon, I think, who’s bringing you the breaking facets of this story and who isn’t.

Actually, with this story, “tabloid” press has to a degree been conflated with (new) (johnny-come-lately) electronic press. However questionable you regard Tiger Untamed as a “news” story, you do have to acknowledge that the unraveling of an iconic titan is a story not unearthed by any leading media outlet of legacy. Theirs after all is an increasingly archaic craft. And that begs a second sort of sidebar consideration: golf’s unreported underbelly of rampant infidelity. Going forward, you have to think that on some level the golf press will be altered in some capacity — many of them knew a few of the basics of this story but sat by silent and idle, a press pack to make Pierre Salinger proud. All they missed out on here was perhaps the biggest sports scandal story in the history of the world. Golf’s existential lifestyle of luxury and opulence carried out in the warm sun of gated community after gated community ought to have tipped us off long ago.

And now here’s where again I get to sing hockey’s praises when our sport is juxtaposed by madness all around it. Does hockey have a scandal in its closet meriting placement in a top 10 in sports list? That’s a laugher. Top 100? Perhaps. It may well be that hockey’s greatest scandal, outside of the formation of the Southeast division, still is one that occurred more than 50 years ago — the Richard Riot of 1955. We tend to get really bent out of shape in our sport by fashion crimes committed against hockey sweaters.

Tiger not so long ago gave hockey a good ‘dissing. I bet this morning he wishes he’d watched a bit more playoff puck with his free time.

Also on the Red Rockers page are links to a photo gallery, a video of the tryouts, and a tryout diary from one of the girls, Emme.  At least one of the Red Rockers can skate as Emme is a former competitive figure skater and a professional skating coach.

This Red Rocker seems to have been left off the web page.

Tap of the stick to Japers’ Rink.

Search millions of photographs from the LIFE photo archive, stretching
from the 1750s to today. Most were never published and are now
available for the first time through the joint work of LIFE and Google.

A simple search for “hockey” found about 200 photos. They’re really something, from puck bunnies in 1951 to Glenn Frey in uniform in 1992.  Of course there’s photos of the old greats as well- Jean Beliveau, Terry Sawchuk, Wayne Gretzky- but I think the collection is more notable for the photos of hockey as it used to be.  Kids playing street hockey in roller skates (the kind that fitted over shoes and needed a skate key) and Red Wings jerseys.  A 1950 game between Colorado College and Boston University.  This is what hockey used to be, in the days before helmets, Thermablades, and composite sticks.

I hope they don

One of the drills was a familiar but dreaded hockey drill called Mountains; although, some hockey players refer to them as Suicides. It consists of hard skating back and fourth, stopping at each line, and always returning to the goal line without resting. I heard some girls breathing heavily and fatigue was setting it but I took it as an opportunity to finally regain some body heat that was lost due to our attire.

A guy would read this and see nothing wrong with it, but women would easily read between the lines for what she’s really saying: she’s in great shape, too bad for the losers who can’t handle a little exercise.
On to the trivia portion of the competition:

Some of the questions ranged from naming some of the newly signed players to explaining the physics behind laying ice.

Now I’m impressed: Blue Crew members have to know the physics of laying ice? Does that question come up a lot?
On to some role-playing exercises:

After dancing, we moved onto the improv portion. We all partnered up (a veteran with a new girl) and drew a strip of paper out of a hat. On the strips of paper were different scenarios that can possibly happen during a Thrashers game and we would have to act out a scene. One girl would have to act it out the wrong way and the other girl would act it out the right way…My strip of paper said, “You accidentally spilled a Thrashers fan’s drink,” while some other strips said, “You threw a t-shirt out in the stands and it hits a fan in the eye.”

In Washington, the answer to either of these hard-hitting social issues is simple: you immediately hire a lawyer, because you’re going to get sued for damages.
As for the Preds Dancers and Goal Girls, after seeing some of the pics of their photo shoot on the blog, I’d like to know how they define a “healthy breakfast.” I just don’t see those ladies chowing down on a stack of pancakes.
H/t to Canucks and Beyond and Puck Daddy.

I am hopeful that people will give [the Spirit Squad] a chance but we are moving forward with this effort. I am a family man with a wife and a daughter. I promise we will not offend anyone with the Capital Spirit team.

Here’s the audition schedule per the web site:

Auditions: September 3-5, 2008
Day 1: Kettler Capitals Iceplex, Registration/On Ice Day
Registration 5:30-6:30pm
Day 2: Interview and Physical Fitness Test 5:00pm
Day 3: Dance and Improv 6:00pm

Those who wish to audition can still sign up at the registration table with their resumes and headshots.  It has also been noted that the auditions are not open for viewing by the public.

Ooh, the All-Star logo

“This cute NHL¬Æ women’s full-zip hoody from “touch”‚Ñ¢ by Alyssa Milano is made with a soft, stretchy blend of cotton and spandex for long-lasting comfort and durability. It’s fitted to complement your feminine shape and has decorative ruffle detail on the hood and sleeve cuffs. The highly detailed team-colored logo is embroidered on the upper left chest.”

It’s what I always wanted in fan gear- a cute ruffled sweatshirt. Just like Ovie would wear! Never mind that the sweatshirt really only has a tiny team logo on the front and features what I can only assume is touch’s philosophy all over the back: “To rally for each other…To play fair…To dance with life…” Yes, whenever I think of the Caps or the Leafs or the Rangers, I think about how they dance with life. Not the Penguins, though; they weren’t deemed worthy of Alyssa’s attention. (And can anyone please tell me where “BostoSan Jose” is?)
I will give her credit for the raglan top, which isn’t hideous, despite the stupid side rouching to “accentuate your feminine shape.” Of course it isn’t available for the Caps (not that it matters, since I wouldn’t be buying it anyway), but not all is lost: it’s available with the 2008 NHL All-Star logo! Awesome!
At least Alyssa’s line isn’t full of pink and it uses the team’s actual colors, I’ll give her that. It’s clear who this clothing is really geared towards: the guy who’s trying to get his non-hockey-fan girlfriend into hockey, or the non-hockey-fan girlfriend is trying to impress her boyfriend by showing a modicum of support for his team. Why else would everything be so form-fitting, in this age of muffin tops and bat wings? It’s not to say that female hockey fans eschew all feminine hockey wear; personally, I’m a fan of the female-cut jerseys. I just wish that designers of team clothing would realize that not everything has to be cutesy, pink, or rhinestone-studded.