In Glacialis Blog

A mirus blurb ex Onion contemplor Populus Hockey Leagues’ savior, Mr. Crux crucis:

PITTSBURGH—After a decades- porro senium in fan penitus ut pervenio suus nadir per damnum of an universus season sudo jurgium, Populus Hockey League eram eripio per incursus of reigning MVP Sidney Crux crucis, cuius calx quod duos succurro obviam Novus Jersey Diabolus recidivus league ut sublimitas of suus quondam palma.

“quis a verum momentous dies pro rejuvenation of valde lusum of glacies hockey,” Mandatum Gary Melior said of Crux crucis’ transcendent effectus in a cuspis-grabbing deprehendo ut brought Penguins intus offensio loginquitas of quartus locus. “ut secundus succurro eram a rutilus exempoator of quis is venatus can verum be—Crosby agnosco screen, instituo patefacio vir per Angli, quod displayed the reverentia-inspiring talentum unus socius per a Muhammad Ali vel a Michael Jordan. Hockey est nam servo now. ”

Melior quoque agnosco singulus- calx, duos- succurro effectus ex 13 alius NHL ludio ludius comprehendo Sarcalogos Chelios, Dany Estus, quod Todd Niveus, tamen emphasized ut, dissimilis Crux crucis, they had non servo NHL. 

EGO eram aliquantulus tener ut repeto Chinese unda cruciatus- amo progressio no per interventus obviam Nixon administration per Watergate, tamen Redford quod Hoffman in ‘ totus Praesieo’ Men’ innutum a painstakingly patiens propinquo ut aedificium edificium Stipes’ testimonium- substructio vindicatum obviam Nixons’ henchmen. North American unda cruciatus vires exsisto an apt genus of quis plures NHLers es diutinus illa dies indutus in Reeboks’ paratus- prosterno similitudo ratio. Quod amo Watergate, is may exsisto plures, plures mensis pro justicia est utlimately servo. Is exyesterdays’ Globe quod Mail:

“iustus weeks secundum induco suus ultum-vaunted, pinguesco novus NHL similitudo, Reebok est condita modifications experior ut mollify a growing numerus of ludio ludius quisnam have criminor super discomfort theyre’ usus ex scientifically- intentio fabric.”

Nonnullus quisnam es coming porro ut press per damno testimonium ( in atrum garages?) es requiro suum identities exsisto tutis:

“Obviously, similitudo dont’ eradico sudo” said unus U.S. hockey paratus pensator quisnam has been auditurus esse questus ex ludio ludius quod instructus. “is iustus goes vox down in gloves, pardus, crus pads quod skates.”

Quod:

“industria radix narro vexillum did non operor satis testis sub venatus valetudo.

“ materia ipsum est non tractare via they exemplar intentio” unus industria insider said. “illic eram non satis due diligentia tractare in is materia prior ut putting illa similitudo in universus league.”

Utriusque Reebok quod NHL is week praemitto PR apologists experior quod stem conscendo detrimentum: “utriusque league quod Reebok insist novus jerseys es hic ut subsisto” Globe quod Mail vindicatum Hockey fans trans jugis have got scio ut leagues’ administrator quod corpus consortio es non pandus.

Globe persevero “super redundo sudo, alius questus have focused in res they videor ut rip magis facile. Quod nonnullus ludio ludius dont’ amo adstringo opportunus, quod they reperio magis restrictive.”

Caput’ porro in proprius videor termino in suum surculus motus.

A tip of hat ut Mr. Eric McErlain, is of Off Pennae Sententia, quisnam iustus fervidus vado in meus muneris ut inform mihi ut Boston Frendo have reverto universus of suum similitudo ratio ut Reebok, quoniam Bs’ ludio ludius es drowning quod patientia estus plaga in lemma, quod Reebok est conveniens ut restituo universus of similitudo, no. . . of vetus materia.

(Eric quod EGO vere vir-hugged super novus)

Eu, Mandatum Melior, eu vero. Ut experiment certus permaneo diu. NHL Mandatum dont’ per adepto libraries amo U.S. Praesieo operor, tamen Melior postulo an Area 51- typus suspendo in quod can exsisto repono ustulo of Glo-pucks quod iam Reebok similitudo ratio.

Frendo, amicitia, ero skating nunc in illud bonus vetus formator, venustus puter hockey sudo. Bank in is.

novus infractus seputus in a fabula in yesterdays’ Boston Herald. Take a vultus:

“secundum radix in B’s vestio cella, Reebok has been unable ut rectus problems per novus jerseys induco is season trans NHL quod mos restituo lemma procul company’s sumptus per novus similitudo no of vetus materia.

“ludio ludius have criminor utpote palaestra castra ut novus jerseys, quod es volo ut exsisto relevo quod sino sudo ut evaporate sicco per shirts, have instead irretitus unda inside quod gotten graviter. . . “

Iam tunc. Frendo plurimus certe certo mos non exsisto solus team recidivus suus ludio ludius consolo. Tamen quis mos Reebok operor pro replacement similitudo pro teams — talis ut Caps — quisnam tractare tutus redesigns predicated in Reebok similitudo ratio utique condita is ut Sanctio? Vos may have animadverto: Caps’ novus iugum quod nameplates es amplitudo pro minor, adstringo sudo. Is est iens impetro verus interesting.

Ut est Reeboks’ tunc shareholders’ placitum.

Update: Secundum tonights’ venatus EGO had a chance ut audio in in sententia of three valde prominent Lavatio Caput super valetudo theyre’ diutinus propter Reeboks’ similitudo ratio. Vos mos reperio lemma interesting, EGO spondeo. Ero divulgatio lemma laxus is weekend.

Hockey yesterday socius ut unus genu quod dedi mihi suus manus manus. NHL Network, vos animadverto, debuted dudum yesterday meridianus in meus cable television suggero, Comcast. Is would have been a same-sex matrimonium inter nos, quod Im’ non verus magnus in illud. Sic puteus’ ago una.

Viginti quattuor hora a dies of league, in altus certus. Diligo, habitum mihi.

Im’ sincerus scriptum-challenged procul is stilus, sic clementia mihi. Erant’ in amor tempus, vos animadverto.

Vel constituo’ commercials es hockey- commemoro, pro goodness sake. “dico mihi tergum per a commercial,” a amicus vel prosapia member mos instruct mihi procul varius cuspis is hiberna. Aint’ venio.

Nonnullus of commercials spondeo team- imprimis DVDs highlighting valde seasons of preteritus, quod dum EGO have zero penitus in emo ullus Blueshirts vids, nam, EGO laudo league pro facundia suus usura in illa macula. A uber quod resonant voiceover talentum moneo nos ut “ suus’ a trux ballet of volo quod solers. . . lautus super annus tamen incommutabilis in suus simplicity . . . minor quam a monastica — tamen non multo. . . ludio ludius cuius pectus pectoris pump subter supter a iugum. . .” tunc meus mens sequor off in a audacia ut scriptum a diligo sonnet pro meus venatus.

Suus’ attonitus ut mihi ut is res of broadcast pectus pectoris est captus locus, penitus, in quantum Lavatio tellus. Erant’ non volo ut exsisto ultum interested in hockey in illa secui, memor? Alius cable suggero, comprehendo Cox, pariter ut Directus, ero questus NHL Network sursum quod cursor pro locus procul mensis’ terminus. Tamen is weekend EGO cant’ exsisto bothered fretting illi vestrum vacuus is; Im’ ut AWOL ex rink rat sarcina, socius quisnam relinquo beers quod ballgames per suus materia consumo totus suus vicis per a pulchellus puella. Praeter iam Im’ pulchellus certus Peius’ exsisto imbibo vel magis beer.

EGO profiteor EGO dont’ teneo ultum super quis league has in repono in terms of programming pro NHL Network. Suus’ in suus infantia etiam, sic illic’ a decens frenum of repetitio in aer. Suus’ videlicet ut illic ero a constans diet of vintage venatus. Illic eram a Caps- Diabolus postseason tilt ex 1990 in tardus yesterday meridianus. EGO singulariter utor highlights ex a Hartford Orcus-Bs lascivio showdown ex idem eadem idem vicis period. Illic’ quispiam firmiter expletio super seeing Orcus in suum valde vetus viridis vestio. Suus’ a penitus held nostalgia EGO reputo parumper vegrandis venalicium stipes vastata per lure of maior pupa in nonnullus faraway newcomer cul de sac of cash. Ut lascivio serius, incidentally, featured a numerus of ludio ludius per Caps’ ties: Bobby Lignarius, Dave Fomentum, Randy Burridge, Todd Krygier. Orcus had unus of plurrimi difficilis nomen ut alica in totus of hockey history in net, Peter Sidorkiewicz. (ego had ut keyword quaero “Hartford Orcus calx Peter per a fatum nomen quisnam ludio ludius in ’90s” ut reperio it.)

EGO have nonnullus consilium pro programming, si league would amo ut ambio lemma. Caps permaneo season meditor foras unus hiberna weekday oriens procul Chevy Fugo Terra Stipes. Ottawa inter alius stipes has quoque skated meditor foras (a numerus of AHL stipes, quoque, comprehendo tunc-affiliated- per--Caps Portland Pirates). Ut quasi novus vicis would exsisto perficio broadcast ago quod restituo in vesper in NHL Network. Is moneo nos of lusum’ radix quod quare suus’ sic ornamentum in lusum landscape. Ut league goes foras iterum pro an vere venatus, in Plaga in Novus Annus Dies pro Glacies Scaphium, secundum-- scaena logistics pro is ought ut exsisto largior chronicled.

Super annus lusum has producto produxi productum nonnullus memorable television commercial macula, in unique venalicium quod singulariter dum ESPN broadcast league. Memor ESPNs’ “Hockey Cado” serius? Id’ amo video vidi visum illud opus in quomodo.

Suus’ quoque mane huic affinitas mihi ut dico si is ero polyamorous: mos forte- per--plexiglass talentum talis utErin Anderson exsisto recruited? Illic ero a postulo pro sermo caput capitis talentum in bulla; quidne addo nonnullus aesthetics ut nostrum torva lusum? Golf Channel lured multus of medius- senex, potbellied 30-handicappers ut devoveo visum per hiring Kelly Tilghman mane in. Im’ told utsidelinehotties.com can exsisto a suffragium hic. Quippe NHL Network mos adverto a fidelis subsequens north of 49th, tamen memor, illic’ an awful sors of species ago puck broadcast sursum illic quoque. Si NHL Network volo tendo pro Sopranos susurro, Al Trautwig sub fervens lux lucis moris’ incidere is.

Hockey luminare Gary Melior quod 2007-08 Jack Insuadibilis Award victor Glen Hanlon loom amplus illa dies. Gnarus mandatum ut EGO operor, suus’ virtually certain abyssus’ insist in senseless redundantia, neque nec cancer reliquum of NHL season quod instead mandatum ut Caps universa ceteri 79 venatus in suum schedule. Insanity est praeclarus termino ut repetitio of idem eadem idem factum dum specto a diversus eventus. Utique in absentis of competitive drama is hockey season Caps can showcase suum infigo novus threads in pulvis trans jugis.

Quam sum EGO volo laboro sursum ullus odium of Caps’ contradictio ut they cant’ vel ustulo?

Hic’ unus procuratio EGO operor specto ex league muneris, forsitan ut mane ut hodie: Caps ero postulo ut geroillic versions of Reeboks’ similitudo ratio, ones no of Northern Ireland ovis laneus, pro they es unable laboro sursum a sudo in suum current vestio. Singulariter calx. EGO sum an admirer of teams’ primoris television ad of novus season, unus featuring a sultry brunette res tattooed per novus logo. Tamen Id’ modify ads’ slogan ut: “Perimeter kicksaves per yawning netminders, in Verus Colo colui cultum”

Hanlon, pauci would have coniecto a mensis abhinc, est hodie in brevis album proLusum Illustrateds’ Sportsman of Annus Award — utique si suus’ largior pro exemplary acts of bonus sportsmanship. Gnarus is had usque weakspots ex repens annus repletus in suus roster coming in is season, hes’ electus sedeo Alexander Semin in duos of seasons’ oris three venatus, affording vultus of competitiveness in venatus. EGO teneo Semins’ ankle est vomica, tamen EGO quoque teneo ut hed’ exsisto lascivio erant nos in April instead of October. Sive seu illic eram ullus nuto ut ut eventus.

Inter duos- tertius of Caps’ caput capitis versus est in synch, vox lascivio isnt’, quod a bulla est absentis ex versus, ita recedentia nemo in Oriens can contendo. Narro of pannosa, porro EGO no promissio ut meus hockey chums ut ut Senior Sto est hoisted hic per meus guys Id’ proprius etch vicis in meus prohibeo castra aestiva. Herewith, Im’ recipero censeo ex tellus’ parlors, per tremulus puga pyga.

Statua infesto ut must exsisto subsido in in teams’ imperator procurator quod explorator, gnarus ut nunc, per rectum of a obnoxius NHL Tabula of Satraps decretum, they ero termino ut drafting hockey ludio ludius tantum ex Maryland quod Virgo. Vos dont’ vere reputo league est iens ut tribuo Ross Mahoney et al a fragor procul alius Mathieu Perreault — (hes’ inconcessus ludo quot venatus ut alius porro in QMJHL, ut servo ustulo natio nationis competitive) — operor vos?

Lindsay Czarniak certus didnt’ pick vox hockey season praecessi ut atrum (Burgundy) pars, did is?

Nos have a Volvo Dico of Silicis- in- Suum- Caput capitis conduco. Primoris sursum, ESPNs’ John Buccigross, quisnampegged Caps pro 14th in Orientales Placitum is season. Ut eramper Alexander Semin in versus is prognosticated sic. Alius permaneo- locus- in-- Inferus forecast venit exLusum Illustrateds’ Sarah Kwak. “suum offseason permoveo deficio alloquor defensabiliter shortcomings ut led ut suum trado 3.35 calx a venatus” is sententia. Caps have defensabiliter “shortcomings” tantum si barometer eram tenura totus 82 inimicus scoreless pro universus season. Lets’ animadverto si nos can adepto Eric Staal quod Erik Cole quod Ryan Niveus impetro offa occurro supremus 5 midway per a venatus obviam Caps pro nos wring nostrum manuum super “ defensabiliter shortcomings.”

Hic’ quis Kwak should have written: “fossor in D.C. is estas: Kris Beech. Superstes pendo? Quinque socors, minimum.”

Is dynasty-audition per Caps est semino in mihi sane tamen nonetheless exuberant sententia. Reprehendo sicco verto EGO had tonight per upilio opilio of utriusque devia quod tumor pectus pectoris in radio sulum vesper,Delilah, in FM WASH:

Delilah: “in diligo versus, pucksandbooks . . . ut’ a ornamentum nomen. Sic vos volo dedico Paul McCartneys’ ‘ leviculus Diligo Carmen’ Dico mihi Pucks, cuius’ pallium vestri pectus pectoris is Monday nox noctis?”

mihi “inicio Koharski.”

NHL ludio ludius quod paratus procurator vires have tolerated suum novus unforms res unsightly cognatus ut suum decessor, tamen quis si they non tantum dont’ opus ut venalicium (repelling mador, condita ludio ludius magis comfortable) tamen vere planto ludio ludius effectus peior? Ut would videor futurus subtilis theca. Permaneo weeks’ Pittsburgh Stipes Obtutus erectus suus lector ut disconcerting development ut nonnullus Penguins have propesomniculouse dum indutus in Reeboks’ novus threads.

“They operor quis they erant intentio efficio, tenus repelling unda” tutaminis Vestigium Eaton said. “tamen weve’ instituo, permaneo three vel quattuor dies of taedium lemma, ut, ut aequora’ repello, is has nusquam praecessi tamen in vestri skates quod gloves.”

Unda ut est repello has ut vado alicubi. Promptus suus’ totus iens ex similitudo tops in ludio ludius gloves, quod ex vultus- decet socks directus down in ludio ludius’ tabernus. “per terminus of alter [period] vel satus of tertius, vestri skates es sloshing inter quod vos have muto vestri gloves quoniam theyre’ [ perfusus]” Eaton added.

Hic’ Gary Roberts’ take:

“meus manuum es perfusus, meus feet es perfusus” is said. “ego sentio amo suus’ May, in playoffs, Im’ sudo adeo. Ut videor futurus a questus per multus of guys.”

Vestigium Recchi quoque isnt’ res quietis super novus nuntius. Is innotesco ut ingens amount of mador iam inundantia ludio ludius’ skates est amo protelo ut suum effrego down ocius, postulo replacement. Elite tabernus plerumque worn per NHLers sumptus praeter $500 iugum.

“Recchi innutum ut, tametsi nonnullus complications causa per novus sudo ero perspicuus statim — amo quam nonnullus ludio ludius mos have ut muto suum in- venatus routines ut tracto undo madidus paratus — alius vires non exsisto promptus parumper dum.

“meus gloves nunquam got perfusus amo [they operor now,]” is said. “Theyre’ philologus perfusus per terminus of an hora[- porro] meditor.

“Im’ iens habeo habeo duos iugum of gloves promptus [ pro venatus]. Ive’ nunquam perfectus ut. Ive’ usquequaque adsuesco assuesco unus iugum a venatus. Nonnullus guys es adsuesco assuesco ut, tamen ut’ iens discrepo. Maybe Peius’ have muto meus socks inter periods, quod EGO dont’ amo effectus. Vos satus sloshing.

“ego reputo youll’ animadverto skates effrego down cito propter is; theyll’ absorb magis [perspiration], quoniam suus’ totus iens down in vestri skate quod vestri socks.”

Tergum in bonus ‘ole dies of institutio, hockey paratus procurator had gravis levo efficio procul venatus’ terminus sulum night loading and hauling wet gear from arena to bus to airport back to arenas in new cities — in the middle of the night. So from the sounds of things this fall, Reebok has actually managed to make the jobs of some of the hardest working men in hockey harder. If Mark Recchi’s right, equipment guys could soon be faced with a doubling of their gear packing gigs each night. Additionally, the increase in moisture about gear and rooms is an increased health risk to the players, especially in winter.

Between 8:00 and 11:00 a.m. Friday the Kettler Capitals pro shop sold $8,000 worth of merchandise.

It’s Siberia-far from their best work, but the Cure have a song titled ‘Friday I’m in Love.’ I awoke and logged on this morning to news from my bloggermate Gus that beginning in just another couple of weeks cable and satellite television providers all across North America would be offering the puck-crazed their long longed-for NHL Network. Twenty four hours of televised hockey seven days a week three hundred and sixty five days a year.

It’s Friday and I’m in television lust.

Heaven I imagine to offer fellas like me non-stop broadcasts of hockey on enlarged screens in high definition, with a few tab-free beers. Wait, that’s now my new home in Montgomery County in three weeks’ time. (I’m not in a mood to be trifled with particulars such as whether or not Comcast will offer the outlet locally; if it doesn’t, I’ll move. Nobody likes Friday joy-buzz-killers.)

In this region where Steve Czabins and their print ilk would have you believe hardly anyone is truly interested in consuming hockey media, I personally know of 61 individuals who will some time next month order the NHL Network.

If this news is dour in any regard, it is from the vantage of my mother, who’d really like to see me married and laboring toward grandchildren for her. How am I to schedule a date in this new broadcast environs? I have to work, bathe, and blog as it is, and now with this news, bid adieu to all future family and social functions.

This morning I’m actually conceiving bloggers’ pajama parties centered around weekends seated before the NHL Network. The Washington Times’ Corey Masisak debuted his very promising looking blog this week; he’d look funny in a set of those footie pajamas. Imagine if we arranged such an event for some February Saturday and a life-stopping Nor’easter settled in on D.C. right as Grapes was in full fury during Coach’s Corner. Even if we had a few laptops among us I doubt you’d hear from us again.

Here’s one strategem for liberating me from my home this autumn and winter: have that marvel of modern multimedia, the Verizon Center’s new assault-all-of-your senses center ice scoreboard, offer two-hour evening feeds of the NHL Network. It’d be like going to the movies. It’d be my best, last chance at socializing again.

I read no new Harry Potter this past weekend and instead familiarized myself with details about likely indictments in baseball (Barry Bonds) and basketball (NBA referee Tom Donaghy). In Saturday’s Washington Post, Dave Sheinen had a fascinating account of Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig’s startling indifference to Bonds’ inevitable home run record. The commissioner — the chief executive officer of the sport — is apparently uncertain if he’ll be in the ballpark this week or next when Bonds passes Hank Aaron’s home run record.

Necessarily, and instantly, I drew a parallel between Bonds’ record pursuit and Wayne Gretzky’s with Gordie Howe’s most goals scored one more than a decade ago. This summer, neither Selig nor Hank Aaron have much stomach to be seated near home plate when Bonds rounds the bases for the 756th time. I call it The Silent Indictment.

In March 1994, as Gretzky honed in on his 802nd goal, both Commissioner Bettman and Gordie himself followed #99 in the L.A. Kings’ games. Gretzky being Gretzky, he didn’t have them travel all that long, scoring the record goal precisely where he should have, in Edmonton. It was the among the mightiest of individual records that was about to fall, much as Aaron’s is in baseball, and Bettman and hockey royalty accorded it its full weight in commemoration.

It’s a staggering juxtaposition. The most significant testimonial to the record-breaking moment on the diamond this summer will likely be offered by the game’s TV play-by-play voice. And even there, you wonder what manner of reaction he’ll offer. Elation? Relief? Contempt?

There’s a queer and almost perverse juxtaposition, too, in place when comparing the physical makeup of the athletes who pursued these hallowed records in different sports. Wayne, who likely never lifted a weight in his life, let alone entertained thoughts of injecting horse hormones into his bloodstream, surpassed the brawny shouldered, iron-elbowed, and menacing demeanor and determination of hockey’s greatest power forward, Mr. Hockey. There could be no second-guessing about the legitimacy of Wayne’s virtuosity or his rightful claim to the record. Aaron was the Wayne of his era, diminutive in physical stature but a world-altering presence with his talent. Today he’s pursued by a fraud, a freak, a pariah, an emblem of our judgement-free sports culture.

The cage into which Gretzky scored his record-breaking goal today resides at the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto. Perhaps Bud Selig will follow hockey’s practice and establish a commemorate display of Bonds’ record at Cooperstown one day: an encased syringe.

TSN is reporting that the Edmonton Oilers this week offered a lucrative multi-year pact to restricted free agent winger Thomas Vanek of the Buffalo Sabres. Lucrative as in 7 years and $50 million. Edmonton would have had to pony up four first-round draft picks as compensation for Vanek (43 goals in his sophomore NHL campaign).  

However, in just the past few moments Sabres’ management convened a presser to announce its decision to match the Oilers’ offer sheet.

Yesterday we suggested that there appeared to be fissures in the solvency of Gary Bettman’s revamped fiscal landscape for the league. Today’s news out of Edmonton and Buffalo suggests that the dam has broken.  

Update: How dirty are Kevin Lowe’s hands in this? Kukla links to an answer:

“GM Darcy Regier said he contacted Kevin Lowe last night and tried to persuade him not to make the offer, that they were always going to match whatever offer the Oilers might make.  Larry Quinn’s statement: “We were never not going to match an offer on Thomas.”

This summer I’m shopping for a new cable/satellite provider, and my search is governed by a single overriding objective: maximizing my television’s access to puck (outside of moving to Canada). NHL TV should be one such option. Of course, it’s not, but it’s the logical followup to NHL CenterIce. And it’s an idea whose origins date back at least to 2002, and which certainly gained some steam as the most recent NHL lockout wound down and the league got up and running again.

At various times during my travel with and immersion among hockey communications professionals this spring the topic of a devoted cable television channel to the NHL, and hockey more generally, would arise during our intermission and post-game chit-chats. Surely we’ll have it in place for the ‘07-’08 season, the consensus seemed. But this morning I’m not holding my breath. This is, after all, the NHL we’re talking about. As magnificent a marketing tool as such a station would be — and one made all the more imperative by the MSM’s sneering indifference to hockey nationally — we must expect the league’s leadership to dither and delay and allow its product to become increasingly irrelevant without it. It’s just too good an idea for them to recognize and develop. You see, the NHL has marvelous athletes who are also high-quality human beings, competing in one of sport’s most captivating pursuits, and the drama in many markets is covered by passionate and high-pitched broadcasters and personalities. How could that formula possibly make for a quality outlet? Leave the devoted TV channels to cooking and Congress.

I know two things about CenterIce: (1) those who subscribe tend to remain subscribed; and (2) the number of subscribers grows every year. But that cable-satellite option is basically evening-only and certainly season-specific. In the absence of the sort of devoted TV outlet that the NFL and golf — golf! — have on cable, we’re supposed to regard the league’s agreement with YouTube as scratching our broadcast itch, and marketedly improving its niche in the cut-throat competition of the contemporary American sports landscape.

I was curious to see the status of this idea, as it’s been whispered about and alluded to now for years. I imagined that I’d find some chronicle of progress in cyberspace. A Google search this morning confirmed my worst suspicions: basically, nothing’s been done by Bettman and his communications gurus on this since the lockout. Or if it has, there’s no reporting on it.

With the mercury forecast to rise to the middle 90s this week in D.C., I for one could sure go for some refrigeration-themed TV. Moreover, it’s Draftweek; were such an outlet up and running, the league could shine some light on its super-shrouded-in-secrecy Entry Draft environment. But as June is fast becoming July, we’re approaching another season without such a galvanizing branding vehicle for the American sports consumer who hardly knows where to turn should he or she casually wonder about “this hockey thing.” Count this as the latest in an unending string of missed opportunities on the part of the league. (Continued)

Likely we agree that the NHL has a pretty compelling product to pitch . . . particularly when relative to say, celebrity poker or the Professional Bowler’s Association or Pro Bass Fishing. It boasts world-class athletes who virtually to a man are an unrivaled blend of brawn, bravado, and sublime skill. Additionally, they commonly comport themselves as upstanding members of their communities; which is to say, their All Star Games, for instance, are seldom associated with spawning terrorism in large cities. In action, NHLers are showcased in perhaps sports’ most novel setting, walled and glassed in with no out of bounds escape. To quote the illustrious Ron Weber, “Welcome to the world’s fastest team sport!”

And yet, with so much greatness indigenous to its game, the NHL can be counted upon to come up Marty Turco short when it comes to Madison Avenue marketing.

It could fairly be said that the NHL does a terrible job of illustrating and mainstreaming its core product to the American public, if such a charge weren’t so serious a slander to “terrible.”

But why is the league so amateur and so ham-fisted in its marketing endeavors across the board? The answer may be in analogy: in the quest for a healthy share of the mighty purse offered by the American sports revenue landscape, the NHL ever steps into the ring with a twentysomething Mike Tyson physique and his stonebreaking fists and proceeds to try and sway the judges with intermittent scoring jabs. Season to season, it never seems to know if it’s a puncher or a jabber. And decades of split decisions ultimately land you on Versus.

My favorite bumper stickers are irreverent and clever, such as “My kid can beat up your honor roll student.” The NHL needs to be the revving Mustang with the non-working muffler grinding its gears down quiet Main Street bearing that bumper sticker. Not because it’s cool or hip or trendy to do so but because that’s its authentic ride. Once upon an Original Six time, the league was like this. Sadly, today, chauffeur Bettman and seemingly all his colleagues in the New York and Toronto offices prefer a Taurus.

To be fair, the NHL is confronted by a cultural quandary in North America that no other professional sport — including even NASCAR now — does: Canadians get it while 80-percent-plus of Americans do not. And yet, ironically enough, some of the most durable relationships between hockey and the American community occur south of the Mason Dixon, at the minor pro level. Texas, for instance, once had a minor pro league all of its own and today fields seven of the CHL’s 17 teams.

Understand, too, that the aim here isn’t to dislodge the NCAA hoops tournament from its Swiss Bank account perch; rather, contemporary professional hockey that features the young virtuosos that it does ought to be able to better the cooking channel numbers on Monday and Tuesday evenings. Even if the chefs are playing poker while the lasagna bakes.

[Timing in life is everything, and this morning The Onion has a riotously humorous mockery of the NHL’s television plight up on its site, featuring the Commissioner announcing a new broadcast agreement with the Food Network.]

Last year Reebok promoted its new wonderkid, Sidney Crosby, with a 30-second television advertisement striking in its sparse production values but so compelling in its cumulative subtleties that it fairly ran on a loop on Versus and regional networks the entire season. I saw the spot perhaps 425 times last season, enjoying it as much in April as I did in October. It’s worth, I think, a reminding look:

Maybe the spot moves you like it did me, maybe it doesn’t. But is there any denying that Reebok unearthed an ageless essence of our grand game in a way the NHL seldom ever has? A few years ago, Mastercard gave us a similar “reverence of spirit” treatment in an ad that featured a boy and his father stomping through prairie snow toward a frozen playground, their sticks and skates hauled over their shoulders. These “postcard” impressions of hockey’s roots, searing in their splendor, have few rivals in sports; they ought to be fixtures in marketing campaigns.

Why is it that corporate America can at times magnificently honor hockey while the NHL most often profanes it? Remember the NHL ’s multi-million “Re-launch” ads of last season, proudly debuted by the Commissioner at some swanky New York restaurant for the press last autumn? Bare-chested, scar-free, shiny-and-authentic-toothed actors (as opposed to authentic hockey players), introduced by indecipherable Asian poetry and billed as warriors of some sort, were pre-game massaged to loud music by pinup tramps in unintentionally satirical excess. Good breeding and taste prevent me from YouTubing a sample for you here, but Bettman should have been impeached for authorizing those.

Shakespeare told us “To Thine Own Self Be True.” Hockey’s return to the sporting mainstream has its own salvation within, if only its leaders would recognize it.

Pittsburgh CBS television affiliate KDKA this afternoon is reporting that Penguins’ owner Mario Lemieux is set to inform NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman that months’-long discussions between the team and city officials have produced little toward an agreement on a new arena, and that his ownership group has no recourse but to look elsewhere.

In a letter to Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell, Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato, and Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, Lemieux said that the Pens “have no choice but to declare an impasse and to notify NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman that we will aggressively explore relocation.”

With the devastating but clean hit Chris Neil put on Chris Drury last week and the responses it has occasioned from seemingly everybody in Buffalo — will the city’s Mayor next send a tear-stained letter to Gary Bettman? — we may be witnessing the most powerful case yet for Kansas City being awarded a hockey team. Just not Pittsburgh’s.

On Saturday Sabres’ owner Tom Golisano, informed that day by the NHL that his organization’s hand-wringing over a clean hit was baseless, took the unprecedented action of putting in writing his whining. Take a look:

Particularly helpful, wasn’t it, for Golisano to outline for the commissioner the instances in which hitting in hockey is merited? Who knew? Note, though, that Golisano didn’t acknowledge hitting’s role in intimidating or changing the momentum of a hockey game . . . or perhaps even sending a message for the postseason . . . even though those have been a part of hockey since, say, its inception. (Bettman might have responded to the letter with his own asking “What’s with the slug in the letterhead?”) Golisano’s unseemly woe-is-my-team missive occurred fast on the heels of his coach’s meltdown before the media last week. The heaviness of hankies in upstate New York only continued to grow, however.

Saturday night Ottawa and Buffalo met again, and during an intermission the Ottawa Sun’s Bruce Garrioch fielded fresh sobs from a Buffalo broadcast crew. Imagine inviting a guest on the air to discuss a high-profile, highly controversial piece of communication and then, irritated by the guest’s defense of eons of hockey’s toughness and his calling out the coward who wrote it, dismissing those views by claiming “in fairness, you haven’t read [Golisano’s] letter.” That’s precisely what the Buffalo broadcast crew did.

Garrioch accurately characterized the Golisano letter as “whining to a new level,” pointing out that last season, in the playoffs, Flyers’ owner Ed Snider never thought to bellyache to Bettman when his player, R.J. Umberger, was laid out in even more viscious fashion by Buffalo’s Brian Campbell. Here’s Garrioch the sensible in smackdown mode:

One can’t help but place the Sabres’ sullying of our sport this past week in the context of a battered wife syndrome for sports set off city-wide perhaps by Scott Norwood. And Brett Hull. More recently Alexander Ovechkin. And now Chris Neil. Buffalo has a terrific hockey climate, and some superbly skilled legacy. What it doesn’t have much of these days is heart and grit.

When goals are scored by the home team in hockey, in large numbers its partisans leap to their feet, throw up their arms in unrehearsed glee, pump their fists, pepper stranger’s palms with high-fives, and with shifty and punchy gestures recreate the virtuosity they just witnessed to their companions. Boys kiss their girls. Occasionally, Brooks Brother-suited lobbyists shake their hips in K Street shuffles. In my section, the men are even known to hug. Even on Military Appreciation Night. Every arena blares its own siren song of success during this explosion of emotion, and in these 10-15 seconds — even when our team is hopelessly behind — we luxuriate in the novelty that is the hockey goal scored. I’m not sure even Gary Bettman could violate the sanctity of this euphoria with one of his hair-brained reforms.

More so than with other arena sports, hockey’s public address personality plays an integral role in the evening’s atmosphere. It’s with this distinction in mind that not just any Johnny Vocal is accorded the duty. And his most sacred duty is to galvanize the arena’s immediate post-goal glee: three or four or five times a night the home crowd needs a public address pied piper to marshall our celebration’s frenzy into a lone, collective oration that encapsulates this emotional apex. And in order to do this, his scoring announcement must occur . . . in timely fashion.

The Caps have a fine and able PA guy in Wes Johnson. He’s been at it for years. His voice is rich and resonant. It bears an appropriate fluctuation. OFB’s Gustafsson, who in his spare time provides his own professional voice-over talent to commercial businesses across the country, awards Wes a grade of “A-” as PA guy.

But beginning last season, in the return from the lockout, I began hearing from hockey patrons in the building a curiosity related to the delay with which Wes would announce Caps’ goals. There was no public address climax to the home crowd’s celebrations. And this season the pattern has worsened. Last night Chris Clark scored the Caps’ third goal of the game with more than eight minutes left in the second period. Wes called the goal only after more than six minutes of playing time elapsed. Then the Kings scored late in the period to tie it up, and their goal’s call came some 40 seconds later.

We are being denied a time-honored culmination to good news.

And it isn’t happening anywhere else. Not in any other rink anywhere in North America. Watch a Caps’ road game and chart the time that lapses between goals scored — by either team — and their announcement over the public address system.

Last night was Military Appreciation Night at Verizon Center — as an aside, it was managed magnificently by the organization; Ted Leonsis’ telescreen tribute early on was poignant and perfectly pitched — but a fair number of military personnel in attendance saw their commissions expire in the time it took Wes Johnson to announce Caps’ goals after they were scored.

What is going on?

It’s as if by policy the Caps want home team goal announcements to replicate the glacial pace of legislation passing on Capitol Hill. Probably 50 percent plus of Verizon Center’s patrons are Blackberried; they are able to retieve updated box scores from the game in front of them sooner than they can get one from Wes Johnson.

Maybe you want to claim that as with Clark’s goal last night there can be some issue with accuracy of scoring, creating a delayed announcement. But scoring corrections are commonly made by public address crews. This has ever been the case. And I’ve been in Verizon Center and seen easily identified goals scored by the Caps, and during the minutes of PA silence that followed, the opposition pot a pair of markers.

Of course I’m not suggesting that this is a matter of importance close to rivaling the organization’s need to secure a productive second-line center. But credible and respect-worthy outfits first get the little things right.

We don’t care what Bob McKenzie at TSN alleges about Gary Bettman’s job security; it’s long past time to convene an evaluation committee, perhaps comprised of some members of the league’s Board of Governors and some current players, and assess whether, going forward, the NHL has the right guy at the helm.

And if you need a rationale for the urgency of this matter, peruse this.

Anyway, we want to know what our readers think. Assuming there’s impetus enough for change — sooner rather than later — who’s your guy (or gal)?

Rare are the instances of bold and frank and accurate autopsies performed by media in this country, which makes Yahoo’s Dan Wetzel’s “Unhappy Anniversary” from yesterday so welcome. Fair to say, we think, that it was received in the NHL’s New York offices as coolly as the temps outside. No manner of further buildup necessary; it’s best read while in hospital surgical scrubs to protect your new Christmas sweater.

“Bettman is set to begin his 15th year as commissioner Thursday, and like most hockey fans I feel the need to mark the occasion by popping a bottle of champagne, chugging the entire thing in an effort to drown my misery and then smashing the empty bottle over my temple to black out the memories . . . There has never been a commissioner of a major North American sports league this inept, yet the league’s board of governors keeps employing him, keeps giving him another chance to sink this once-proud, once-vibrant league to new depths.”

No pulled punches here either:

“The Bettman era has been an unmitigated disaster for the league in virtually every possible way, one outrageously terrible initiative after another.”

Then Wetzel goes to the heart of the matter:

“I could write a book about Bettman’s insulting and imbecilic moves through the years (Chapter 9: “The Glowing Puck”) but the main problem has always been the same. He has shown no respect for the game, for its history, for its fans, for its unique qualities . . . The league is now overexpanded and overpriced, misplaced and misdirected. It is less exciting, less interesting, less traditional and more difficult to follow for the non-obsessive fan.”

Next Wetzel echoes OFB’s longstanding concern about families being economic casualties of the Bettman era: “It’s dispiriting that the league chased the fickle corporate dollar and priced out families.”

Any problems with the league’s schedule, Dan?

“The negatives are too numerous to list, but consider the league’s current uneven schedule which serves no purpose other than cutting travel costs for a few cheapskate owners. Teams play eight games per season against division foes, or 32 a year against just four teams.

“Bettman claimed it would spawn “new” rivalries. Of course, old rivalries such as Detroit-Toronto – two hockey-mad towns separated by a single highway that actually has an exit for Wayne Gretzky Blvd. – no longer play a home-and-home series each season. It’s like killing Red Sox-Yankees so Blue Jays-Diamondbacks might catch on.”

How good is the piece? “Fighting,” “hockey,” and “beer” are found in this lone sentence:

“And, since fighting has been curbed, the “new” rivalries haven’t really taken because a hockey rivalry without fighting is like non-alcoholic beer.”

And on that note, we conclude: Mr. Wetzel, when business next brings you to Washington — hopefully not to cover a stands-empty “showdown” in the Southeast — we at OFB will be purchasing you all of your beer.