17 May, 2008

Category Archives: Hockey Wit

Pittsburgh Wins; Ovechkin to NFL

Pittsburgh won on Thursday . . . no, not the Penguins, who were shut out by the Rangers, but Pittsburgh itself won the title of Sootiest City in the country, snatching the title from former champion Los Angeles. Click here to read more about it on CNN.

The Friday funnies continue: equal-opportunity offenders at The Onion mock both hockey and the mainstream media’s hockey ignorance/dismissal (yes, we’re looking at you ESPN) in their latest ONN (Onion News Network) video, sort of starring Alex Ovechkin with some surprising news:

NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

The Simpsons and the Washington Post

While watching last night’s episode of The Simpsons, I nearly fell out of my chair upon seeing the following segment about the print media’s impending demise.

Much gratitude to YouTuber “Deadprint” for getting the clip up so quickly. And kudos to Steven Goff and The Washington Post for having the required self-deprecating sense of humor to post the clip on their site.

Continue reading ›

Cam Neely = Danny Ainge?

DJ Gallo, creator of the SportsPickle and writer for ESPN’s Page 2, provides fans of other sports an NHL primer for this season. Funny stuff, including:

John Tortorella = Tom Coughlin
The Tampa Bay Lightning coach is disliked by many of his players. In fact, in March when Tom Coughlin joked he was the second-most hated person in world history behind Hitler, the actual full quote was this: “Hitler and then me, in that order … and third is John Tortorella, followed closely by whoever it was that signed Dane Cook to a movie deal, followed by Pol Pot.”

Patrick Kane = Greg Oden Kevin Durant
The No. 1 overall selection in June’s draft will be asked to come in and immediately contribute to the Chicago Blackhawks. My prediction is that he will do that with flying colors because if you have ever seen the Blackhawks play, he can improve the team simply by knowing how to skate and not regularly scoring own-goals.

Summer Reading, and Laughing

Laughing Sun
Laughing Sun
DJ Gallo, creator of the SportsPickle and writer for ESPN’s Page 2, has some darned funny stuff to say about ice hockey in his book The View from the Upper Deck.

We don’t usually pimp non-hockey products on OFB; but my fiancee gave me Gallo’s book a few weeks ago, and it’s too hysterical not to share. As the Sports Illustrated quote on the book’s cover says, “If The Onion were to go all-sports, it would look like this.”

So if you’re looking for a fun summer read, I highly recommend The View from the Upper Deck. Only thirteen pages or so are devoted to hockey, but even his stories about golf and basketball—two sports I couldn’t care less about—made me laugh out loud. The book is perfect in bite-sized portions, like on the Metro, or while “indisposed” after a big meal.

Here are a few of the book’s hockey-related player profiles, to whet your appetite:

Patrick Roy . . . demanded to be traded from the Habs in 1995 after being left in the game for the first nine goals of a 12-1 loss—apparently because he didn’t want to play on a team with a goalie bad enough to allow nine goals in less than two periods . . . Roy retired from hockey after the 2003 season to dedicate his time to the Patrick Roy Foundation, a charity organization that works to help children throughout the world mispronounce the letter R.

Alexander Ovechkin . . . built a reputation for netting awe-inspiring goals, some of which almost made it onto sports highlights shows in the United States. Fun Fact: Ovechkin doesn’t distribute the puck much for being one of these “share everything” Commie pinkos.

Peter Forsberg . . . a dominant force in the twelve or thirteen games he manages to make it through each year without getting hurt . . . He was originally Philadelphia property, but the Flyers made the extremely brilliant move of trading him to Quebec in 1992 along with Ron Hextall, Steve Duschesne, Kerry Huffman, Chris Simon, Mike Ricci, two first-round draft picks, and $15 million for Eric Lindros and a neurologist to be named later.

Gallo skewers every sport imaginable with similarly incisive wit. I particularly enjoyed articles like “Yankees Purchase Naming Rights to Fenway Park”, “Zero-car Pileup Mars NASCAR Race”, and the cringe-inducing headline “Muhammed Ali Bobblehead Doll Seen As Inappropriate”.

The author lists reasons to buy the book on his website, including this ringing self-endorsement: “I’m not one of those web writers who compiled a bunch of stuff you already read online for free, put it in book form and then asked you to re-read it all … but this time at your own cost … That’s not really writing a book. That’s having a printer, some glue, and greed. I have all three, but I don’t plan to completely rip you off until at least my third or fourth book.”

If this seems like your cup of tea, you can purchase the book pretty much anywhere. And no, I’m not getting a kickback (dare to dream); I’m just happy to spread the word when I stumble across something worthwhile. Enjoy!

OFB Movie Review: Trailer Park Boys

The Trailer Park Boys: The Movie
The Trailer Park Boys: The Movie
Many of our readers won’t be familiar with the irreverent Canadian export ‘The Trailer Park Boys,’ now in its sixth season of production on the cable outlet Showcase. And that’s a shame, because as TV programs go — even late-night cable ones — this show has no peer. Recently OFB had an opportunity to enjoy a DVD showing of its autumn big-screen debut.

Some background: The show premiered in Canada in 2001. The program, over the course of its five seasons, has been shot entirely in Nova Scotia, much of it near Sidney Crosby’s hometown. It chronicles the foibles and criminal enterprises of three Canadian ex-cons in their modest residential community, Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

It’s conspicuously low budget, often outrageous, always irreverent. The protagonists — who are most definitely antagonists of law-abiding Canada — are Bubbles, Ricky, and Julian, and they are ever pursued by the park’s scatalogically-tongued manager, Mr. Lahey, who poorly conceals his same-sex affair with the shirtless-in-all-weather Randy.

‘The Cosby Show’ it’s not.

It airs in Ireland, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, and much of southern Europe, but oddly nowhere in the U.S. despite being seemingly perfect for a cable outlet like Showtime or HBO. The f-bomb frequency is reminiscent of Eddie Murphy’s ‘Raw’ performance (but no moreso than ‘The Sopranos’), and its frequent drug-themed shows would surely rankle many American viewers, but the show seems ideally suited to a pay-cable U.S. network. Very late at night.

Ricky's hockey jersey
Ricky's hockey jersey

Two astute attendees and regular OFB readers at the movie screening, Chris and Adrienne, pointed out its parallels to the very funny ‘My Name Is Earl‘ (minus the good karma), another show that had network executives scratching their heads but now has audiences laughing uproariously. And TPB preceded ‘Earl’ by about four years.

So, on to the movie. In a word: hysterical. A plot summary may not be relevant per se, but it’s worth noting the film’s hockey-related aspects. For example, after being thrown in the brig for a ridiculously botched ATM robbery, the boys start a ball hockey team in jail.

However, the inmates’ team begins outperforming the warden’s, so the warden arranges for Ricky — the inmates’ star goalie — and Julian to get an early release from prison. (Perhaps like Sidney Crosby thought he was receiving before the Pens’ recent arena agreement with Pittsburgh pols.)

Our favorite hockey moment was “the clearing stick.” Ricky lives in a car in Sunnyvale (so that he doesn’t have to pay trailer park lot fees). Whenever he and his misfits want to drive the car, Ricky breaks out a hockey stick to clear the hood & roof of his living staples — a great visual to which this description does not do justice.

We wholeheartedly encourage you to see it, as soon as you can, multiple times. It’d be a pleasant if too brief diversion from another hockey-less spring here. The film is not yet for sale in the U.S. but is available from Canadian resellers. ‘TPB’ the movie won’t make anyone forget ‘Slapshot’ or ‘Animal House,’ but as a slice of cutting edge entertainment from Canada, it’s great if guilt-inducing fun. We can only hope that this hysterical flick finds its way to the U.S. market soon, or, in the words of Mr. Leahy, “the sh*t winds are gonna blow.”

Google Can Help Hockey Fans

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Joe Drop-em-and-Go, Australia’s Secretary of Defense?

laughter.jpgWord from Down Under that Prime Minister John Howard is going to extreme lengths to establish a sense of fierceness to his cabinet:

“NEW Workplace Relations Minister Joe Hockey has ruled out fundamental changes to the Coalition’s industrial laws but left the door open to “technical” adjustments . . . After impressing John Howard with his handling of the complex human services portfolio, Mr. Hockey has been elevated to the cabinet, pitting him against Labor deputy leader Julia Gillard.”