On Frozen Blog

DJ Gallo, creator of the SportsPickle and writer for ESPN’s Page 2, has some darned funny stuff to say about ice hockey in his book The View from the Upper Deck.

We don’t usually pimp non-hockey products on OFB; but my fiancee gave me Gallo’s book a few weeks ago, and it’s too hysterical not to share. As the Sports Illustrated quote on the book’s cover says, “If The Onion were to go all-sports, it would look like this.”

So if you’re looking for a fun summer read, I highly recommend The View from the Upper Deck. Only thirteen pages or so are devoted to hockey, but even his stories about golf and basketball–two sports I couldn’t care less about–made me laugh out loud. The book is perfect in bite-sized portions, like on the Metro, or while “indisposed” after a big meal.

Here are a few of the book’s hockey-related player profiles, to whet your appetite:

Patrick Roy . . . demanded to be traded from the Habs in 1995 after being left in the game for the first nine goals of a 12-1 loss–apparently because he didn’t want to play on a team with a goalie bad enough to allow nine goals in less than two periods . . . Roy retired from hockey after the 2003 season to dedicate his time to the Patrick Roy Foundation, a charity organization that works to help children throughout the world mispronounce the letter R.

Alexander Ovechkin . . . built a reputation for netting awe-inspiring goals, some of which almost made it onto sports highlights shows in the United States. Fun Fact: Ovechkin doesn’t distribute the puck much for being one of these “share everything” Commie pinkos.

Peter Forsberg . . . a dominant force in the twelve or thirteen games he manages to make it through each year without getting hurt . . . He was originally Philadelphia property, but the Flyers made the extremely brilliant move of trading him to Quebec in 1992 along with Ron Hextall, Steve Duschesne, Kerry Huffman, Chris Simon, Mike Ricci, two first-round draft picks, and $15 million for Eric Lindros and a neurologist to be named later.

Gallo skewers every sport imaginable with similarly incisive wit. I particularly enjoyed articles like “Yankees Purchase Naming Rights to Fenway Park”, “Zero-car Pileup Mars NASCAR Race”, and the cringe-inducing headline “Muhammed Ali Bobblehead Doll Seen As Inappropriate”.

The author lists reasons to buy the book on his website, including this ringing self-endorsement: “I’m not one of those web writers who compiled a bunch of stuff you already read online for free, put it in book form and then asked you to re-read it all … but this time at your own cost … That’s not really writing a book. That’s having a printer, some glue, and greed. I have all three, but I don’t plan to completely rip you off until at least my third or fourth book.”

If this seems like your cup of tea, you can purchase the book pretty much anywhere. And no, I’m not getting a kickback (dare to dream); I’m just happy to spread the word when I stumble across something worthwhile. Enjoy!